Happy Valentine's Day I suppose. 2 years ago I broke up with the first girlfriend, and the only girl I have ever loved. It was a stupid thing to do, but I guess we both wasn't mature enough.
Our relationship was a rocky one, but no matter how rainy the skies may be, there will always be sunshine. Our love was young and immature, but through it I grew to be a better person. I was dark and forlorn, pursued dreary musings and built a wall around myself.
Here is an advice to anyone who chance upon this blog. Do not entrust your happiness in someone else's hands. You should be the reason for your own happiness. I didn't see this before and I learnt it the hard way. I gave my heart readily to her, and when she left so abruptly I just fell into the abyss. I wrote 21 poems for her, and though I'm no Shakespeare, I wrote what I felt. In fact it was through my first poem that she fell in love with me. Here's another advice. Do not do something special for her all the time. It gets old. Soon it will mean nothing to her and then you'll have to outdo yourself.
Till this day I don't believe anyone will believe how much I had loved her. Not even her. You see I had my heart broken when she left to study in Perth. Basically she took my heart with her and cast me aside when she found someone else there. The tragedy is that I bought my plane tickets to visit her. I could have cancelled the trip, but I spent hard earned money and couldn't afford to. So I took it to my stride and went ahead anyway. I had to spend 60 AUD on a cab ride by myself to my rented place because she said it was too expensive to fetch me. By then I was so hurt I was incapable of feeling anything else.
So I arrived in Crawley, Perth but wounded up on the wrong side of the street. I had to wait there in the cold, for her and her new boyfriend to come pick me up. Words fail me now. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt then. Even now, recounting this tragic tale bring tears to my eyes.
You know the saying that tomorrow will be a better day? Well no. I planned this trip shortly after she left, so I gave her 4 months notice but she told me next day that she couldn't bring me around because she wants to buy some stuff for her trip and spend time with her new boyfriend who was returning home for a month. So basically, she gave me a card for taking the metro and bus, showed me where I can take the bus to the city and left me in a foreign place for 2 days.
I would have cried if I had any tears left to shed. I spent the day roaming Subiaco, visiting all 4 book stores, wondering where can I have dinner and still hoping she would come back to me. After just half a day at Subiaco I had to leave for Perth City, because I was bored to death. I spent the other half of the day sitting in the square, hating the world and all the happy people. I was immensely sad and dejected. It makes it all the worse to get racisim just because I an asian.
Thankfully after 2 days my friend came over to join me and we 3, me, my friend and my ex went to the beach. We stuffed 3 letters in a bottle and set it adrift upon the sea. I didn't show them what I wrote, nor have I told anyone. Today I will reveal what I wrote, for I have loved her for a long time, and now it's time to love myself. So if you're reading this, perhaps you'll know how much I loved you back then.
I wrote "Dear God, I hope that Sarah will find the happiness she's looking for, even if her happiness lies not with me. I love her with all my heart." Though these weren't the exact words, the intention isn't lost.
I am not who I used to be. I see the beauty of the world, albeit I don't believe in love anymore. The only love I recognise is the love parents have for their children. I do intend to exclude love from my life, but I do not pursue it relentlessly. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Right now, I just want to find myself.
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