2 years on...

Happy Valentine's Day I suppose. 2 years ago I broke up with the first girlfriend, and the only girl I have ever loved. It was a stupid thing to do, but I guess we both wasn't mature enough.

Our relationship was a rocky one, but no matter how rainy the skies may be, there will always be sunshine. Our love was young and immature, but through it I grew to be a better person. I was dark and forlorn, pursued dreary musings and built a wall around myself.

Here is an advice to anyone who chance upon this blog. Do not entrust your happiness in someone else's hands. You should be the reason for your own happiness. I didn't see this before and I learnt it the hard way. I gave my heart readily to her, and when she left so abruptly I just fell into the abyss. I wrote 21 poems for her, and though I'm no Shakespeare, I wrote what I felt. In fact it was through my first poem that she fell in love with me. Here's another advice. Do not do something special for her all the time. It gets old. Soon it will mean nothing to her and then you'll have to outdo yourself.

Till this day I don't believe anyone will believe how much I had loved her. Not even her. You see I had my heart broken when she left to study in Perth. Basically she took my heart with her and cast me aside when she found someone else there. The tragedy is that I bought my plane tickets to visit her. I could have cancelled the trip, but I spent hard earned money and couldn't afford to. So I took it to my stride and went ahead anyway. I had to spend 60 AUD on a cab ride by myself to my rented place because she said it was too expensive to fetch me. By then I was so hurt I was incapable of feeling anything else.

So I arrived in Crawley, Perth but wounded up on the wrong side of the street. I had to wait there in the cold, for her and her new boyfriend to come pick me up. Words fail me now. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt then. Even now, recounting this tragic tale bring tears to my eyes.

You know the saying that tomorrow will be a better day? Well no. I planned this trip shortly after she left, so I gave her 4 months notice but she told me next day that she couldn't bring me around because she wants to buy some stuff for her trip and spend time with her new boyfriend who was returning home for a month. So basically, she gave me a card for taking the metro and bus, showed me where I can take the bus to the city and left me in a foreign place for 2 days.

I would have cried if I had any tears left to shed. I spent the day roaming Subiaco, visiting all 4 book stores, wondering where can I have dinner and still hoping she would come back to me. After just half a day at Subiaco I had to leave for Perth City, because I was bored to death. I spent the other half of the day sitting in the square, hating the world and all the happy people. I was immensely sad and dejected. It makes it all the worse to get racisim just because I an asian.

Thankfully after 2 days my friend came over to join me and we 3, me, my friend and my ex went to the beach. We stuffed 3 letters in a bottle and set it adrift upon the sea. I didn't show them what I wrote, nor have I told anyone. Today I will reveal what I wrote, for I have loved her for a long time, and now it's time to love myself. So if you're reading this, perhaps you'll know how much I loved you back then.

I wrote "Dear God, I hope that Sarah will find the happiness she's looking for, even if her happiness lies not with me. I love her with all my heart." Though these weren't the exact words, the intention isn't lost.

I am not who I used to be. I see the beauty of the world, albeit I don't believe in love anymore. The only love I recognise is the love parents have for their children. I do intend to exclude love from my life, but I do not pursue it relentlessly. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Right now, I just want to find myself.

Wish

I wish I have a best friend, those bonds which you forge with someone spectacular when you were young. He can be a she, and she can be a he, it doesn't matter. I wish that on nights like this, when the air is cool and the streets are empty, we would get together and have sip latte by a jetty, our feet tracing the slivery lights in the water and just talk.

I wish this someone knows everything about me, and me about him/her. I wish we were inseparable and fit together like a jig and a saw. I wish we would do silly things and plan big dreams with each other in it, and grow up to buy a house near one another and hope our kids will have what we have.

I wish I have you.

Please

Alas! I regret to inform that I am in no better situation than when I last made an entry. My visa is still pending approval, and it has been 76 days, 16 more than the usual. I would love to be all jolly and get ready for my departure on the 19th, but the truth of the matter is I don't even know if I can go. I don't even want to think about the possibility of me not being able to. Too much money have been invested into this. Not to mention school has already started and I really need this. God, please help me.

I should like to say I really wished I was born in England. The dreary weather, the green pastures, the cold mornings and blue skies just appeals to me. Singapore, though a former colony, has nothing of that sorts. I mean sure, we have much better and competent leaders that any other country in the world, but we Singaporeans lack life. We go through our daily motion like clockwork. We wake up, we shower, we rush, we work, we rush some more, than we watch lousy television and then we go to bed. How is that living? Whatever happened to shopping at your local fresh organic local produce market to cook dinner for a bunch of friends on a Saturday night? How about hopping into your Volkswagen mini bus during summer with your friends and family for a picnic in the picturesque countryside? How about buying your girl a bright yellow dress and stroll along the sodden green meadows?

This is the life I want. This is what I yearn for. Of all the places I could be born in, I have to be born here. Still I study hard, I work hard, I even served my country. I can only hope with my university degree, more doors will be opened to me, and I will be able to lead the life I want, and let my children, if any, lead a life they deserve.

P.S. Please God, let my visa be approved by the end of the week. Pretty please.

World

The night is cool, a little city noise but otherwise silent. I like to imagine that when I wake up, I will receive good news. To all the happy people in the world, congratulations. To all the sad people in the world, learn to let go. To all the in-betweeners like myself, good for you.

The city awakes as I prepare to slumber.
Good night, world.

Sad to leave

I've been spending the past two nights at my grandpa's place. He just moved out of his house of 31 years today. Ever since I was born, my mom took me to his place and I could recall spending most of my childhood there. I remember that he used to cook a lot of food, and that I cut my finger when I inserted my finger into the fan.

I remember he bought me a blue bike with training wheels, and that my sister whined for one too. He watched me grow up from a willful boy to a nonchalant teenager, and finally to a responsible, albeit aimless young man. All these while I still see him as a grumpy old man, whose eyes have seen so much of this world.

I was filled with emotions as I parted with his humble abode. The one place I could go to revisit my childhood is now gone, and with that the innocence of simpler days and simpler mind will forever elude me. I could tell he was sad to go, but what more can he do? I find solace in him being with family, and someone at home to keep him company.