There and back again

I have not written in a really long time and quite frankly, I don't know where to begin. It's been more than 2 years since my brief stay in Prague and I've changed a lot since then. Then again, so did everyone else.

Perhaps my first comeback to writing should be kept short. It's really been a while.

1 last journey

All good things must come to an end. With the blink of an eye, my 5 months in Prague is coming to an end. I have done much since the last entry. I've visited Poland, Germany, Switzerland, Cesky Krumlov, Ireland, in Austria now and will be heading to Italy.

Of these countries I had the most fun in Ireland, partly because I just love everything Irish, and also because I went with someone I like dearly. The days following our eventual parting was extremely difficult. We had a good last few days, and I can't believe I won't be seeing her any time soon. By any time I mean at least 6 months. ):

I will do what I can to make her mine, and for us to work. I like her too much for her to slip me by. Girl, you maybe like the breeze, coming and go, but let me be the cloud that goes where the breeze goes. (:

P.S. I miss you.

Beautiful days.

What a pity. These past 2 days had been such lovely days, with the sun shinning just right, and weather maybe a little too hot but that's ok. I come from Singapore after all. Alas I can't enjoy them, since I'm stuck indoors studying.

Come Friday I will be liberated, but before that I'll have to pass my classes. I don't ask for A's, because I sure as hell didn't come for Erasmus to bury my head in books. I came to discover myself, make new friends, see the world. In some sense I have done all these.

Nothing lasts forever. I just can't believe I'm going to leave this beautiful city very soon. When will I walk Charles Bridge during dusk I know not. When will I suffer in cold with my friends, queuing up for hotdogs after late night partying? It is sad to leave these things behind, but at least I have experienced these, met these friends. There will be opportunities to meet them again. Yes, I am a sentimental guy, I hope things can stay as it is but life isn't a bed of roses. Especially for me. So I count myself lucky. In fact, if I were to stay in Prague without these friends then the city loses it's charm to me. Yes I may be able to live in Prague, but my friends will be elsewhere, away from me. Of course I will probably never get to live in Prague, since I can't speak Czech for nuts and them being so xenophobic.

Once my exams are over, I'm going to really explore Prague with my friends, cherish my time with them and just sit in cafes, watching the world go by. Such luxuries will soon be out of reach. I have a couple of poems to write. One for kiki, my sister from another mother whom I promised I will write. A fitting farewell gift. Another for Tingtung, for her upcoming birthday.

I love poetry. I recently bought a first edition collection of poems by Robert Payne, I might have mentioned that in my previous entry. Or haven't I? Well anyways I want to take my book and head to Cafe Slavia, one of my favourite cafes in Prague because of the ambience, with the afternoon sun pouring in through the glass windows, and a spectacular view of the Prague Castle at the back.

Maybe one day I will muster up the courage to send my poems to a critic. But having next to nothing in experience in literature makes me extremely self-conscious. My friends said they love my poems, but they are no experts themselves, so I wouldn't know. I hope one day one of my poems will be published. Fingers crossed.

Lucky

These past few days had been such a blast for me. I went out with great friends on a late thursday night to take whacky photos at Charles bridge, wandered around with someone special yesterday and had great lunch and an excellent haircut today. I'm going skydiving in 9 hours and I can hardly wait.

I can't believe my luck these days. Well first of all there's that. And second of all I found a rare 1st edition collection of Poems by Robert Payne for only 300kc! And who can forget 100kc for early editions of LOTR and The Hobbit.

These good things came too late, and I wish they would last for much longer. But however fleeting it is, I am glad that I have experienced so much, seen so much and made so many wonderful friends. It will be a hard departure come 19th July, but I know I will see them again.

I think I have decided not to go to Romania after Greece. I want to spend 1 whole week in Prague, absorbing all the sights and sounds, revisiting my favourite haunts and cafes. I just wish you'll be here still then.

No words can describe how I feel right now. Not one word.

Girl, you are so weird I swear to god.

I found myself.

Wow. How time flies. I have been in Prague for over 2 months, with just 2 1/2 months left in Europe. I've really enjoyed my time here. There were highs and lows, but mostly highs. I discovered that I can actually dance, well a little, and I've met so many wonderful people. I've learnt how to live my life, how to live and let live, and my Chinese improved!

I can't begin to explain how much I cherish this experience, and how it has changed me forever. The friends I made here will go back to their separate lives, but like the Chinese proverb goes, 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有. Loosely translated, It doesn't matter if it doesn't last forever, it only matters that we had it before.


These friends, I will keep them in mind, and visit them if I ever go to their country. I guess I managed to find myself here. Though I will be heading home soon, A part of me will still be here, etched in stone, and maybe slowly erode away with time. 


Let me tell a little story.


Once, there was a boy. He lived most of his post-teenage life in gloom and despair, and saw the world through a grey filter. He struggled against his inner demons, but loved a girl with a ferocious passion. She was a fleeting thing, and soon drifted out of his reach. He fell, of course, into the dark abyss in which he almost climbed out of. 


No one reached in to him, he didn't bother climbing out again. One day, he knew this couldn't go on. If he wants to be happy, he needs to find it. So he tried to climb out again, and fate would had it that he climbed out on the otherside of the world. 


He met many interesting people, learnt how to live, and saw the world in a different light. 


So here I am. I have traded my half-empty glass for a half-full one. 


L.I.F.E.I.S.B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L

Italy!!!

I've been behaving rather weirdly lately. I need to get my act together.

Anyways in 9 hours time I will be heading to Brno, and 15 hours later I will be on a flight to Rome!

Italia, the one country I had always wanted to go. Wait for me, I'm well on my way.

Karlovy Vary

Finally finished watching Being John Malkovich. What a weird show. Anyway it's been a really hectic week. I haven't slept since Friday and I really ought to be in bed now, which I will be, after this entry.

So as you can already tell I was inspired to write a poem about a girl. It's always about a girl. Well this girl is different, she's exactly what I described to be in the poem and so much more. However I can't quite put my finger on what is special about her that attracts me to her. She is incredibly weird, maybe I am too, but the insane would appear sane to himself.

In case anyone wondered why I didn't sleep since Friday, allow me to explain briefly. I was invited by a Taiwanese friend to Strahov for dinner and met the last remaining low-profile Taiwanese here in Prague. Since he was nice enough to invite us to join them in her low-profile birthday celebration, I thought we return the favor by inviting them over for dinner the next day.

Next morning I received a text from Nuna Munhee, asking me out for hot chocolate, and to bring some friends. So I brought 3 and invited Nuna and her room mate over for dinner too. It was crazy. Dinner was to be at 6.30 and we were still out at 5. All went well though and I thought the night was finally over and I could rest before my trip to Karlovy Vary. Around 2330 I was invited to Nuna's room to drink, and at 2 in the morning we decided to party. So Patrick and I jumped out the window, literally and went back to change. To cut the long story short, I haven't slept until now.

Karlovy Vary was a boring place for us. Small town with only expensive hot spring baths. So we took to swimming. After searching all over for a reasonably priced hot spring spa, we gave up and went for Traditional Thai Massage. I will sleep now and feel the effects later.

Free Spirit

Free Spirit

Like a gentle breeze

That comes and goes

Never staying long

Always unannounced

You can feel it

Yet you can’t grasp it

It belongs to everyone

It belongs to no one

There are times I wished

That it would stay

For I was not ready

To let it part my way

But this breeze is a fleeting

And will soon be gone

For all will cease

When summer ends

Gaiman and Kafka

What will I make of this? I've been told I think too much. I need to learn to let things go their way and hope that things will work out fine. This is a battle I don't want to lose. It's not everyday you meet someone like that.

To make myself feel better, I bought 3 books today. Take it as a birthday gift to myself. So the loot of the day are American Gods, Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman, and The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka.

I've been hearing a lot about Gaiman and Kafka, and I can't wait to read their book tomorrow. Time to find a nice cafe and sit down and enjoy my book. Just some quality time with myself, no friends, no free-spirited girl, no distractions.

It's a little late for poem now. I shall attempt tomorrow.

No party

Life is Prague isn't always one big party. You have ups and downs. And I'm experiencing my first down. I've met many amazing and interesting people, and one who dazzles me. But I won't go into it just yet.

I am supposed to find myself here in Europe. So far I haven't done anything of that sorts. Today is my birthday, and I refuse to spend in my dormitory couped up with my roommate, no offense to him.

I am going to buy myself a book, which, I don't know but I will. And have a nice cup of coffee while I read my new book. Not much of a celebration, only because I had my party last night. Well, I think it's time to go while the sun is still shinning.

Oh yay. Happy birthday to me.

Wander

Wander, that was our aim today. We etched our names in stone and messed around with each other the whole time. I'm loving this life. Now, I don't want this Erasmus to end. ):

Jazz on the bridge

I took to a little wandering about Prague yesterday. I had my camera, my ipod and my headphones and was oh so ready to go. I turned right out of the metro, only because I usually turn left. I wandered into the Jewish quarters, which I have never been before. I avoided the paths I've been on before, just to take the road not taken. So inspired by Robert Frost.

I took some photos of my favourite cobblestones, and of Lennon wall. The sad thing was that the original portrait of Lennon was painted over. Graffiti is allowed, so I will head back with my friends and imprint a part of us on this monumental piece of history.

I attempted to sketch one of the statues, but it was too cold and I basically sucked so I wrote a poem instead.

Jazz on the bridge

The soft thump of the double bass

The soothing tone of the clarinet

The sensual hum of the saxophone

The steady voice in a foreign tongue

The world hurried by

Eager to get to the other side

Lost in a world of their own

Oblivious to the sound of jazz

They played for no one

They played for everyone

They played for their love for music

They brought life to the bridge

As I watched them

My spirits lifted

My soul took flight

For I was, lost in my reverie

Long Overdue

Wow. It's been a long time since I last blogged. So much has happened. One minute I was depressed and stressed up about my visa, the next I was on a plane to Prague. Everything happened when you least expect it.

So Prague is simply amazing. I'm living the life right here. I've never felt so alive before. I have such a good mix of Asian and European friends. You learn something new here everyday. Europe has this charm about it. I can't quite put my finger on it but it's definitely there.

Before I got here I often fantasized about walking the cobblestoned streets of Prague, soaking in all the goodness the city has to offer. Now that I'm here, I'll admit I do wish it wasn't so crowded, and for the streets to be a little more mysterious. I want to take a wrong turn and stumble upon a cafe or a quaint bookstore and just spend the entire day browsing through it's unique collection. So far, I haven't seen any. Everywhere you go, there're bound to be tourists.

I visited Budapest a week ago, it was a nice city, only down side was that I fell sick so I don't think I did the city justice. The feeling you get when you're there is very different than that in Prague, but it was good nonetheless. But being part of the EU has its disadvantages too. I don't get a stamp on my passport for all the EU countries I visit. ):

In 5 days time I would have been here for a month. It's not as convenient as Singapore, the people here are not as friendly as the Taiwanese, but it has it's charm. And I think I'm smitten by it.

Ahoj!

2 years on...

Happy Valentine's Day I suppose. 2 years ago I broke up with the first girlfriend, and the only girl I have ever loved. It was a stupid thing to do, but I guess we both wasn't mature enough.

Our relationship was a rocky one, but no matter how rainy the skies may be, there will always be sunshine. Our love was young and immature, but through it I grew to be a better person. I was dark and forlorn, pursued dreary musings and built a wall around myself.

Here is an advice to anyone who chance upon this blog. Do not entrust your happiness in someone else's hands. You should be the reason for your own happiness. I didn't see this before and I learnt it the hard way. I gave my heart readily to her, and when she left so abruptly I just fell into the abyss. I wrote 21 poems for her, and though I'm no Shakespeare, I wrote what I felt. In fact it was through my first poem that she fell in love with me. Here's another advice. Do not do something special for her all the time. It gets old. Soon it will mean nothing to her and then you'll have to outdo yourself.

Till this day I don't believe anyone will believe how much I had loved her. Not even her. You see I had my heart broken when she left to study in Perth. Basically she took my heart with her and cast me aside when she found someone else there. The tragedy is that I bought my plane tickets to visit her. I could have cancelled the trip, but I spent hard earned money and couldn't afford to. So I took it to my stride and went ahead anyway. I had to spend 60 AUD on a cab ride by myself to my rented place because she said it was too expensive to fetch me. By then I was so hurt I was incapable of feeling anything else.

So I arrived in Crawley, Perth but wounded up on the wrong side of the street. I had to wait there in the cold, for her and her new boyfriend to come pick me up. Words fail me now. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt then. Even now, recounting this tragic tale bring tears to my eyes.

You know the saying that tomorrow will be a better day? Well no. I planned this trip shortly after she left, so I gave her 4 months notice but she told me next day that she couldn't bring me around because she wants to buy some stuff for her trip and spend time with her new boyfriend who was returning home for a month. So basically, she gave me a card for taking the metro and bus, showed me where I can take the bus to the city and left me in a foreign place for 2 days.

I would have cried if I had any tears left to shed. I spent the day roaming Subiaco, visiting all 4 book stores, wondering where can I have dinner and still hoping she would come back to me. After just half a day at Subiaco I had to leave for Perth City, because I was bored to death. I spent the other half of the day sitting in the square, hating the world and all the happy people. I was immensely sad and dejected. It makes it all the worse to get racisim just because I an asian.

Thankfully after 2 days my friend came over to join me and we 3, me, my friend and my ex went to the beach. We stuffed 3 letters in a bottle and set it adrift upon the sea. I didn't show them what I wrote, nor have I told anyone. Today I will reveal what I wrote, for I have loved her for a long time, and now it's time to love myself. So if you're reading this, perhaps you'll know how much I loved you back then.

I wrote "Dear God, I hope that Sarah will find the happiness she's looking for, even if her happiness lies not with me. I love her with all my heart." Though these weren't the exact words, the intention isn't lost.

I am not who I used to be. I see the beauty of the world, albeit I don't believe in love anymore. The only love I recognise is the love parents have for their children. I do intend to exclude love from my life, but I do not pursue it relentlessly. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Right now, I just want to find myself.

Wish

I wish I have a best friend, those bonds which you forge with someone spectacular when you were young. He can be a she, and she can be a he, it doesn't matter. I wish that on nights like this, when the air is cool and the streets are empty, we would get together and have sip latte by a jetty, our feet tracing the slivery lights in the water and just talk.

I wish this someone knows everything about me, and me about him/her. I wish we were inseparable and fit together like a jig and a saw. I wish we would do silly things and plan big dreams with each other in it, and grow up to buy a house near one another and hope our kids will have what we have.

I wish I have you.

Please

Alas! I regret to inform that I am in no better situation than when I last made an entry. My visa is still pending approval, and it has been 76 days, 16 more than the usual. I would love to be all jolly and get ready for my departure on the 19th, but the truth of the matter is I don't even know if I can go. I don't even want to think about the possibility of me not being able to. Too much money have been invested into this. Not to mention school has already started and I really need this. God, please help me.

I should like to say I really wished I was born in England. The dreary weather, the green pastures, the cold mornings and blue skies just appeals to me. Singapore, though a former colony, has nothing of that sorts. I mean sure, we have much better and competent leaders that any other country in the world, but we Singaporeans lack life. We go through our daily motion like clockwork. We wake up, we shower, we rush, we work, we rush some more, than we watch lousy television and then we go to bed. How is that living? Whatever happened to shopping at your local fresh organic local produce market to cook dinner for a bunch of friends on a Saturday night? How about hopping into your Volkswagen mini bus during summer with your friends and family for a picnic in the picturesque countryside? How about buying your girl a bright yellow dress and stroll along the sodden green meadows?

This is the life I want. This is what I yearn for. Of all the places I could be born in, I have to be born here. Still I study hard, I work hard, I even served my country. I can only hope with my university degree, more doors will be opened to me, and I will be able to lead the life I want, and let my children, if any, lead a life they deserve.

P.S. Please God, let my visa be approved by the end of the week. Pretty please.

World

The night is cool, a little city noise but otherwise silent. I like to imagine that when I wake up, I will receive good news. To all the happy people in the world, congratulations. To all the sad people in the world, learn to let go. To all the in-betweeners like myself, good for you.

The city awakes as I prepare to slumber.
Good night, world.

Sad to leave

I've been spending the past two nights at my grandpa's place. He just moved out of his house of 31 years today. Ever since I was born, my mom took me to his place and I could recall spending most of my childhood there. I remember that he used to cook a lot of food, and that I cut my finger when I inserted my finger into the fan.

I remember he bought me a blue bike with training wheels, and that my sister whined for one too. He watched me grow up from a willful boy to a nonchalant teenager, and finally to a responsible, albeit aimless young man. All these while I still see him as a grumpy old man, whose eyes have seen so much of this world.

I was filled with emotions as I parted with his humble abode. The one place I could go to revisit my childhood is now gone, and with that the innocence of simpler days and simpler mind will forever elude me. I could tell he was sad to go, but what more can he do? I find solace in him being with family, and someone at home to keep him company.